She’s a stubborn one.

I’m back!

After school finished I just needed to get away from everything for awhile (I like solitude these days, I’m not sure why) but I realized I couldn’t stay like that forever, so I’m back and feeling better than I have in awhile.

I’ve decided to do 30 days of Truth because it seems to fit into where I am at this point in life and maybe it’ll help me get to know myself better.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself

I’m stubborn.

Of course, due to my being stubborn it took me years to realize that I’m stubborn. What makes it worse is that this stubbornness seems to rear its ugly head specifically when I’m arguing with someone who is close to me. Come to think of it, maybe it’s not so ugly after all, I mean it has produced both good and bad outcomes.Good because sometimes I am right and when this is the case then – yay. But when I’m wrong not only am I wrong but I have to admit to being wrong – which is a million times worse than being wrong. What I hate is that I don’t shut up even when I know I’m wrong, which leads to a lot of embarrassment and teasing (not always of the good natured variety).

I came to realize how stubborn I am mid rant when I having a – very heated – debate with my dad a long time ago. At that point I knew I was wrong yet I still pressed on with my argument (I can’t even remember what it was about but I know it didn’t effect me directly).

And then I called him stubborn and it hit me that if hes stubborn then I’m no different. At the age of 13 the last thing I wanted was to turn into my father. So this struck me as horrific. After that I toned down my arguments to things that actually affected me.

But I’m still stubborn, not as much as before but the it definitely hasn’t disappeared.  Even if it does do some good, it makes me feel horrible and for that reason I hate it.

 

I forgive you, for being you.

Untie yourself. Get rid of the knots. Forgive your father. Forgive your mother. Forgive your brothers. Forgive your sisters. Forgive your children. Forgive your lover. Forgive your teachers. Forgive your heroes. Forgive a late ride. Forgive cold food. Forgive working late. Forgive being 5 cents short. Forgive those who have wronged you. Forgive those who will wrong you.

The last knot is always the hardest. It’s also the most important.

Forgive yourself.

And then you are free.
-The Rope, I Wrote This For You

I’ve always been quite a forgiving person. I try to see the best in others and sometimes it only leads to me getting hurt. But I’ve always been able to remind myself, even when a relationship doesn’t work out, that I put my all into that relationship – remembering that has always made me feel better.

When it comes to forgiving myself however, I find it a lot harder and judging by the above passage it looks like I’m not the only one. I can forgive the mistakes of others but when I make a mistake – and when I make mistakes they are BIG and usually end up in someone else getting hurt – I can’t forgive myself.

Right now it’s not so bad, but when I read the post from the blog (above) it reminded me of how often I’ve been a slave to that feeling of guilt. How often I’ve thought that I deserve unhappiness because I made a mistake and as a result of that mistake I made another person unhappy. But feeling guilty is not going to compensate for our actions, it just makes us (and often the people around us) miserable.

I think the first step in learning to love yourself is by forgiving yourself, but that’s not as easy thing to do.

And all we die and all we live.

Tell me why.

This song pretty much sums up how I feel right now.

You know when you picture a moment and you build it up to be an amazing moment only to be extremely disappointed when it actually happens? I think leaving school was like that for me. I wanted it to be so great and it when it happened I just felt nothing at all, no happiness or sadness, nothing. To be honest I think I feel a bit out of place now that I’m not being institutionalized and I’m pretty much free to do whatever.

I feel like that guy Zach Braff plays in the movie Garden State,  he finds out the reason for his inability to feel emotions is because hes on lithium. I’m not on any drugs and I still feel that way.

I know it’s a feeling that will pass. I’m just wondering when.

Because I’m feeling a little corny today

I thought I’d post this

Signs.

Inadequacy.

When I was seven years old I wanted to by a gymnast. I think it was because I watched the Olympics and rhythmic gymnastics looked cool. Then when I turned 10 and I got an award for my writing and I realized I could go somewhere with it I decided I wanted to be a writer. When Lasantha Wickrematunge died I was inspired (I know people have their opinions about what he did and whatever but he was an inspiration to me) and I decided that I wanted to be a lawyer.

My parents, of course, had other ideas because apparently if were to practice the kind of law I was interested in I wouldn’t ‘earn enough to feed me’. Why don’t you do medicine or engineering instead? (There was also the fact that lawyers are seen predominately as ‘liars’ in the Sri Lankan community here, and oh no, what will the people think?)

I know my parents worked really hard to get me to where I am now and I appreciate that, I do, but sometimes I get so sick of feeling second best because, unlike my siblings, I’m not good at maths or science (even if I wanted to do med or engineering I wouldn’t be able to get the marks because of this reason).

Today my mother decided to tell me that while I’m doing my BA (I’m doing my J.D. after LSAT) people are going to rub it in my face about how their sons/daughters are doctors/engineers and I’m merely doing a BA to do journalism later on (apparently the law degree doesn’t count for anything). I know people are going to do that, that doesn’t bother me. What upset me is that she found the need to mention this when she knows perfectly well that I know what people are going to say. It made me think that maybe that’s what she thinks about me.

I don’t care what ‘the people’ think, I’m okay with who I am, but my parents are my parents, and I do care what they think. I want them to be proud of me.

Excuse the rant, I really needed to get that out of my system.

Coffins and Living.

100 Years.

I’ve been listening to this song on replay these past few days.

No time to celebrate.

Why are the Sri Lankan cricket team always playing when I have exams?

But the good news is…we won the series! Yay! (Exams didn’t stop me from watching the match you see)